


(Not so) Closet Carl

by DangerRollins



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Gen, M/M, carl comes out to everyone, carl is determined, most characters tagged are just mentioned, rick is supportive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-02
Packaged: 2019-02-09 16:55:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12892470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DangerRollins/pseuds/DangerRollins
Summary: Carl comes out to damn near everyone in Alexandria before finally coming out to Rick.





	(Not so) Closet Carl

Carl had always known that he was extremely different from other people in numerous ways. He didn't cry when they cried, he didn't feel things like they felt things, and now most recently he was dealing with the problem of not liking other people the way they liked other people. Most men paid 'special attention' to women, and most women paid 'special attention' to men, but Carl found himself paying 'special attention' to more men than women. He thought that was odd, but he didn't say anything to anyone, not for a while. All he did was observe.

He alternated between the two, paying close attention to men one day and to women the next. He noticed quickly that while he was watching men who were especially attractive to him doing things, literally anything, his...His 'little friend' sometimes came to life. Trying to find women he found attractive was an incredibly daunting task on its own. Sure, all the women here were beautiful to him. Rosita, Tara, Michonne, Sasha, Maggie, Carol. They were all pretty. It's just, he **knew** them. He knew them well. He'd spent time with them and he'd gotten to know them and he just **couldn't** see them that way. At least, that's what he tried to tell himself, but it really wasn't true.

He'd known Glenn for a long time too but that didn't stop him from drooling over the Korean boy every time he so much as glanced in his general direction. One time Carl had been standing next to Maggie and Glenn had sent his wife a wink and...Carl had to excuse himself immediately, feeling woozy.

He'd known Ron for a short time, but the boy had quickly made a good impression on Carl. He'd pulled Carl into a tight hug the first day they'd met. Carl had been about to leave the boy's house and it just happened and Carl felt...Well, it was good.

Carl wasn't stupid. He knew what he knew and what he knew was that he was not straight. Not one bit. So, that part was over, it was all figured out in his head at least, but now he had to figure out if he was gay or not and he had to figure out what it meant to him.

"My dad needs you." Carl had lied to Spencer who'd been sitting with Tara on the watchtower. Spencer had sighed, rolled his eyes, grumbled something Carl chose to ignore, and then climbed down the tower in search of Rick who's location Carl hadn't mentioned, though the asshole was too busy fussing to notice.

"What does Rick need him for?" Tara questioned curiously. "He doesn't need him." Carl said as he plopped down next to her.

"Then why-"

"I think I'm gay." Carl cut straight to the chase, unwilling to deal with any small talk while he was on a clear-cut mission. Tara closed her mouth and stared at him, nodding slowly. He continued. "This isn't the kind of thing you just throw around. Isn't to be taken lightly. Being gay is a lifestyle. A lifestyle I'm willing to commit to if and only if I'm really into it."

The serious tone of his voice and the determined look on his face made it hard for her to not bust out laughing, which is exactly why she did. He didn't react, simply sat and watched and waited for her laughing fit to be over. When it was, she cleared her throat and wiped a tear before punching him in the shoulder. "Carl, if you're gay you're gay, if you're not you're not. I'm glad you told me, but why-"

"When, where, why, and how did you know you were a lesbian?" He questioned, crossing his arms over his chest. She sighed.

"I don't know kid...When I was too busy staring down my teacher's blouse in fifth grade to learn anything?" She shrugged.

"You knew in fifth grade?"

"Hmm...Maybe I didn't **know** I just...Showed signs of...The gayness?" She really hadn't ever had to explain this to anyone before. When she told her family she was gay they kind of just said okay and went back to what they were doing. They'd all already known anyways, what more was there for them to say? "A kid in the fifth grade doesn't really think about stuff like that. I was fascinated with...Them—" she gestured towards her chest and readjusted her boobs before speaking again. She took note of how Carl's eyes only flickered down to her chest for a moment and then they were staring into hers again. "—But I thought it was because I wanted some of my own. Which I did! And I got 'em." She grinned. "But...But—"

"So when exactly did you know? And when did you get your first girlfriend?"

"I think I knew when I was experimenting with watching...You know—"

"Porn?"

"Yes, Carl. Porn. Jesus.You didn't have to say—"

"It's just porn, what's the problem?"

"Just don't say—Just,"

They talked over each other and she shook her head and pinched the bridge of her nose before talking again. "I was watching that and paying way more attention to the girl than I was the guy. Found them more interesting. Eventually, I moved on to watching lesbian porn-"

"So How was that? What was that like? How do lesbians have sex?"

"Carl, I'm not—We're not doing this. No. Look, to answer your other question, I got my first girlfriend in ninth grade. She was great, it ended badly, she ended up moving far away to live on a farm—It didn't last, obviously. Now, can I get back to watch?"

"I guess." He sighed, standing up.

Tara sighed too before watching as he climbed down the tower, a sad look on his face. "Carl!" She called. "What?!" He yelled back. "You can talk to me anytime, you know?! Just, not about porn!"

"Thanks!" 

After talking to her and getting absolutely nowhere, Carl had decided that the next best person to speak to was Eugene. He knew everything about everything, he had to know about this too.

"I think I'm gay. What are the odds that I actually am?" He'd asked.

Eugene shrugged, in no mood to talk as he was still trying to heal from the beating Abraham had given him not long ago. Abraham, who happened to be in the infirmary as well, took it upon himself to answer the question.

"Before the world turned into an apocalyptic hole filled with shit, shit, and more shit, there were a lot of gay people running around. I imagine there still are. Times are tough, nuts can bust. If it comes down to me either fucking nothing for the rest of my life or fucking something with a dick for the rest of my life, you just guess what I'm choosing."

With that, he leaned back in his chair and took a sip out of a bottle he'd snuck from the party that they'd all gone to not long ago. Carl raised his brows and looked at Eugene again. The man with the mullet sighed and started to talk, though it pained him.

"I don't know what it is you're asking, but if you're asking me for my approval, or if it's okay to be gay, well, I cannot give either one of those things to you for several reasons. My approval can't be given because you as a person make all or most decisions for yourself and I make all or most decisions for myself. Besides that, approving of something that has nothing to do with me and that may not be, would be a colossal fuck up on my behalf, as you kids would say. I can't say if it's okay to be gay because the definition of Okay varies from person to person and no form of the word is really correct or incorrect. I do not mind your gayness although I don't agree with it. I myself enjoy every aspect of the female body and could not much enjoy life without seeing, hearing or thinking about it. However, each brain is unique and wired differently, so—"

"He's fine with it, Carl, if that's what you were asking." Abraham sighed. Carl nodded. "Right. Thanks. That's not what I was asking, though." He didn't need for people to be okay with it right? What did that matter? It was none of their business. But..It did matter. Apparently.

Carl sighed and shook his head, realizing he'd have to deal with getting everyone's approval at a later date. Right now he needed to know for sure that he was gay.

"What are you asking?" Eugene asked.

"Am I gay?"

"Are you?" Eugene asked back.

Carl huffed and placed his hands on his hips before quickly ripping them away, not wanting to seem too much like his dad. Michonne had teased him about that earlier. He didn't mind being compared to his dad, but—That was beside the point right now! He readjusted his hat before crossing his arms over his chest awkwardly.

"I don't know for sure what I am. That's why I came to you. I figured you would."

"Why would you make such an inaccurate assumption?"

"You know everything."

"I wish I could agree but I do not know everything. Very close to it, but not quite. For instance, I do not know why I'm still talking to you when every word I say feels like a bullet going through my tongue, out of my chin and back again. I know nothing of your sexuality, probably less than you."

"Thanks." **You worthless piece of shit.**

Carl was sure to only add the last part in his head.

After leaving the infirmary he sulked around for a while, wondering if he'd ever know for sure what he was and how he felt, and wondering if he'd ever find somebody reasonable to talk to about it with.

He slowly headed home, a sour mood taking over him. When he got there and stepped inside, he noticed a man he recognized sitting at his kitchen table.

"Don't worry about pointing your gun at me this time, kid. Your mom and dad left me here while they went to—"

"Are they gonna be gone for a while?" Carl questioned. Jesus pursed his lips and nodded. Carl smirked, locked the door, and quickly stormed over to the older man.

He scooted a chair close to him and sat down. He stared at the man who was only inches away from him, not bothering to say anything as he studied his face.

Jesus was a very handsome man and he, well, he looked like how Carl imagined the actual Jesus would look. His hair was long, light, and silky, his eyes were a beautiful shade of blue, his lips were plump and pink, his skin fair and soft looking. He was clean shaven and clearly took good care of himself and his attitude was relaxed at all times, or so it seemed.

Carl only stared at him, trying to take in every single one of his features, trying to see if he was attracted to him, and sure, he was, but he didn't feel like **doing** anything.

Jesus didn't speak as long as Carl didn't. He figured the kid was trying to figure something out. That was confirmed when Carl finally did start speaking.

"I believe I'm gay. I believe you are too."

"Why?"

"Are you telling me you're not?"

"No."

"Is this gaydar?" Carl narrowed his eyes and tilted his head. Jesus couldn't help but think he looked just like Rick.

"I don't know." Jesus shrugged.

"You're a handsome man. I think I'm attracted to you. Maggie is a pretty girl. I'm not attracted to her. You see the pattern here?"

"What does Maggie have to do with—"

"She has nothing to do with this!" Carl nearly shouted. "Does it bother you that I'm attracted to you?"

"Not really, no. Might bother your dad, though." Jesus chuckled.

"That means you're gay." Carl ignored the second thing Jesus said, tried hard not to focus on it. "You don't mind me being attracted to you. You're gay."

"Or I just don't mind you being attracted to me."

Carl sighed. Jesus was a hard man to read sometimes. "I need to know if I'm really gay or if I just...I don't know."

"You're not straight, let's start with that." Jesus sighed.

 

Carl and Jesus had talked for around thirty minutes before they were interrupted by the sound of people at the front door which meant that Rick and Michonne were probably back. Carl moved away from Jesus and opened the door, seeing his dad and Michonne standing there. They greeted him quickly by planting kisses on his head, ruffling his hair and patting his shoulder, and then they strolled over to Jesus and began talking to him about something that Carl probably would've found interesting had he not been so intrigued by the previous conversation he'd had.

He went to his room quickly and closed the door behind himself, leaning against it and closing his eyes. His talk with Jesus had really enlightened him. He'd learned about a lot of different sexualities and with that, he learned that he was most certainly gay. Jesus told him that he didn't have to put a label on himself if he didn't want to, that he could just be him and it'd be fine, but Carl had worked hard to find his label and he'd damn well use it. He was gay.

Now, he figured, he'd begin telling people.

"Might bother your dad, though." Jesus had said it after Carl asked if it bothered him that he was attracted to him. Why did Jesus think his dad would care?

Carl began to worry more and more as the night progressed. If this was a problem for his dad, Carl wasn't sure how he'd handle it. He couldn't just not be gay, but he didn't want the relationship he had with his dad to be ruined. His dad meant everything to him and he couldn't imagine not getting along with him anymore because of something as simple as his sexuality.

With a loud sigh, Carl decided he'd just go to bed. Tomorrow would be a long day.

********

"I'm gay."

"Okay."

Carl sighed and squeezed his eyes shut. Seemed like all day this conversation had been going the same exact way. He'd tell people he was gay, they'd look at him like he was stupid and say okay and then they'd walk off like it was nothing. He knew he should probably be grateful that people were so nonchalant about it because it hadn't gone as well for some people--he'd learned that from Jesus too--But still. He wanted **some** kind of emotion. He'd spent so much time dwelling on this, thinking about it every second of every day for a very long time, the least they could do was act interested for even just a second.

"That's it? Okay?" He questioned. "Don't you care?"

"Hell, would I care for? Long as you don't plan on sticking your little baby meat in me and don't expect nothin' from me either, I ain't got no problems." Daryl shrugged as he fumbled around with his crossbow. "Why're you tellin' me anyways?"

"I'm telling everybody."

"Why?"

"To get used to it so I can get the courage to tell my dad."

"I would've thought the first person you would've told was your dad."

"Yeah well, he would've been, but I was talking to Jesus and I told him I was attracted to him and he said that he was okay with it but that my dad might not be. I figured that maybe my dad had said something that made Jesus think he didn't like gay people. I'm a gay person. Can't have my dad not liking me..."

"I think Jesus meant that he wouldn't like you having a crush on him because...Well, he's older than you."

Huh.

Carl hadn't thought of it like that. Not one bit.

"I..." Carl frowned and plopped down on the step below the one Daryl was sitting on. "That's possible but—"

"But nothing. Your daddy has bigger things to worry about than his son being gay. For example, the apocalypse. Remember that?" Daryl teased. Carl rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his hair.

"There's a good chance he won't care, but there's also a good chance that he will. Can't risk it."

"I'm afraid it's too late to worry about that now, little man. You done told half the town already. It'll come up eventually. Best tell him yourself instead of having him hear it from some random old lady walking down the street." He exaggerated.

"If he kicks me out can I live with you?" Carl half-joked. Daryl scoffed. "Hell naw. Can't have a little shit like yourself living with me. Cause too much trouble. Besides, your dad isn't gonna care about this one bit. He'll be fine with it. And if he ain't, I'll beat his ass 'til he is."

Carl nodded, satisfied with the talk, and then stood to walk towards his house. He figured he might as well get it over with now rather than later since he was feeling a little less nervous.

"Tara!" He shouted as he saw her walking a little bit ahead of him. She stopped and sent him a small smile as she waited for him to catch up. "Yeah?" She asked.

"I'm gay."

"Didn't we have this talk already?"

"No. I was just trying to figure out if I really was, then. Now I know for sure. I'm gay."

"Cool." She nodded before giving him a fist bump. "Lotta gays walking around these days, huh? Think we could start a club?"

Carl wanted to believe that she was only joking but he knew Tara better than that. He slowly shook his head and sent her an awkward smile. "I'm gonna go tell my dad now." He dismissed himself before running ahead.

Carl slowed down when he was finally only a few steps away from his house. He briefly thought of turning back, going to find someone else to tell or make himself busy with some chore that he really didn't need to be all that concerned about doing, but he wanted to be a man. He wanted to do this. He had to.

He stepped into his house and looked around. "That you Carl?" Rick called. Carl answered him by appearing in the kitchen which is where he was, making himself a sandwich. "Hey!" He greeted, grinning at the boy, but the serious look on his face made Rick's grin turn into a worried frown. "What's wrong?"

"I'm..." Carl didn't know how to approach this. All day long he'd been spitting the words out quickly and then moving on to tell the next person. He hadn't broken it to anybody gently, hadn't felt the need to, and he hadn't actually thought out the way he was phrasing things. But those other people—Well, they weren't his dad. It didn't really matter to him what they thought, but his dad? What he thought meant everything.

"Sit down." Carl said slowly, measuring Rick up. Rick did as told, his concern only growing as he waited for his son to continue. He expected the boy to take a seat as well, but he didn't, instead opting to Pace the room.

"For a while now, I've been thinking very hard about something...Something that I think is okay, that a lot of people think is okay, but you might not...It's something that could change our relationship completely and I don't want that, I really don't, but I can't just—" Carl paused as he tried to think over his words and make sure that they were okay. He didn't want to say anything wrong and he didn't want to seem too scared, but he was. "This thing is something that I don't think I can control. I can't help it. It's not going away and I don't know if you'll be okay with it but I hope that you are."

"Okay." Rick nodded, quietly encouraging the boy to keep going.

"I hope you're not too mad about this, but I've already told a lot of people already. I wanted to get it out of the way, I wanted to test the waters, I guess? I figured the more times I said it, the less nervous I'd be when it came time to tell you. I was wrong." He chuckled.

"Carl, what is it?" Rick questioned. Clearly, whatever this was, it was important to Carl, and he didn't want to rush him, but he needed to know that everything was alright.

"I'm sorry if this disappoints you, but I'm...I'm gay."

Rick stared at him for a moment, his mouth falling open as he tried to figure out something to say. Carl's confession had shocked him and relieved him as well. He thought something was terribly wrong, but it wasn't. Everything was okay. Now all he needed was for Carl to know that.

He knew every second he didn't say something was torture for Carl, so he quickly jumped into action, wanting to calm the panicked looking boy down the best he could.

"I—It's Fine." He reassured him as he quickly stood up. Carl backed away at the observed abrupt movement, and it made Rick upset, to say the least. "Carl this is—It's Fine. Okay?" He spoke softly as he inched his way over to Carl. "I'm glad that you told me. Must've been bugging you for a while. Takes a lot of courage to admit something you don't wanna admit."

"You're not mad?"

Rick shook his head. "Of course I'm not mad. I wouldn't judge you for this, Carl. You're my son. I'm sorry you were scared to tell me. I'm sorry I made you think that you couldn't."

He felt bad knowing that his son had told so many other people before telling him, his own father. Rick didn't think he'd ever implied that he'd have a problem with Carl being gay, but apparently, he had.

"You didn't." Carl shook his head quickly. "Jesus did."

"But you're not even religious..." Rick was just plain and flat out confused now. Carl laughed loudly and shook his head. "The other Jesus, dad. Me and him had a little talk and I ended up thinking you'd be mad and—It was a big misunderstanding."

"He made you think I'd be mad at you for being gay?" Rick questioned angrily. Carl shook his head again. "N-no—It's Just..." he sighed as he felt his cheeks heating up.

He explained quickly how the conversation had gone down, and avoided his dad's eye contact as he mentioned his attraction to Jesus. Rick raised his brows and crossed his arms over his chest as he listened closely.

"You're gone have to stay away from him." He muttered. "You can be Gay all you want, but you're still my son and you ain't dating anybody who ain't good enough for you, and he ain't. He's too old, I don't trust him, and you can do better."

"Really?" Carl questioned, a sarcastic tone evident in his voice. "Have you seen him? Who am I gonna find that's better than him?"

"I don't know, Carl, maybe you won't ever find anybody better than him, but I'll tell you what. 'Til you do you can just stick around your old man. I'm all you need anyway."

Carl scoffed but hugged Rick tightly after the little exchange, shaking his head at he overprotective man. "I love you, dad." He muttered.

"I love you, Carl."


End file.
